Long skate ride

I really don't know where to start. I'm mind blown right now. I don't know if you'll get to read this, or when you'll get to read this, but I don't know. I guess it depends on your decision on Wednesday. I don't know when it started. I don't exactly know how either. And it's a different thing, from when you started feeling it, to when you actually expressed it. Is it still the same right now, as when you first started feeling it? you said you felt it when we first started going out. as if it's been behind your head this whole time, but have you thought about it this whole time? or has it just now been brought into the light? It scares me babe. I've never cried how I've cried with those texts.I'll start by saying sorry, but i don't really know if I am. you said to not make about me, because I'm selfish. With some of the things you sent me, you have some balls to say i'm being selfish.You said you don't know anymore. you don't know about US anymore. you said you don't know if I'm the one. you said you might want to move one and explore. I don't understand. What motivations, or goals, or reasons do you have to think some of those things? I really don't know. Is it something I did? I've never done anything to hurt you like you just hurt me. Selfish is a ballsy word to call someone, when you want to leave them because you don't want to hurt them. What the Fuck.That's going to solve the problem? moving on? or is it just part of the deal of finding yourself. If this is a you thing, do I have to be removed from us? The us the we built, together. 3 years of nothing less that heaven. a few bumpy roads, but we've never had to buckle our seat-belts. I don't know what or why your doing this.You said how can I possibly love someone that hurts me? but it feels like your the only one saying that. I accept the hurt, because its not a deep cut. You'd rather leave what we have built, to work on yourself. All of the sudden. all of the sudden now you want to work on yourself. I dont know what to say. I want you to stay. I don't see why you have to leave to find yourself. I thought you loved me. I really did think you loved me. I really can't believe you when you say you dont know. When you say you have to think of a decision, because your mind is a mess. 3 years. 3 YEARS. 3 years of evidence to support one decision. to support us. What do you have to show for what YOU want. I've never thought of it like that. What a level of selfishness. Really. I thought it was us in this world. I thought it was Lexana. I thought it was going to be Max and Amy. I thought it was going to be LANAX. Because you know why? because we believed. because we love each other no matter what. because we have faith. you know I only have faith in z number of things. I have faith in us. I liked you. I trusted you. I want to be with you. I love you. I don't know what you want, but I hope it's us.

Thursday

My ass hurts from sitting and doing homework.  I'm studying my ass off and still procrastinating.  Your keeping up with school and busy with work. Every night i go to sleep almost hating myself. I feel like i don't do enough homework to stay ahead. I feel like I don't exercise or eat right enough to feel healthy. I feel like I don't have enough motivation to hassle someone for a job. I feel like I don't appreciate our time together enough. A slow start to adulthood is really bumming me. I need to prove somehow i deserve the beautiful girl you are. What a joke my 18th year of life is. I feel as if i am drowned and am too deep to try? Is it too late? I'm virtually the first in the fam attempting the american way right?  Almost no guidance.  What gives?  Is this normal? Is it part of the process? It rained today. I've realized it's been raining for a year and i juay haven't noticed. Life must be beautiful after a period of struggling invert.

A lonely summer

WoW!!!! It has be forever since I wrote on this blog. Well a lot has happened since Halloween haha. We're still looking good still in shape but I wish I could look better. We are at peace in our love life right now. I have never been so happy with you then I am right now but i mean its not like your flying to the moon and back for me. so why do i feel this way? Its crazy how you can do the simplest things and make me feel like a princess. Your the greatest person I have ever mate. :D I could go on and on about how much I love you but I'm going to stop there. Summer has STARTED. Though I am not as excited as I should be. Mostly because we're both going to be busy in our own worlds. Man I cant wait for the day when we make our own family and spend the summer with you me and the kids. I miss you already baby and I havent even left to Texas yet :( your killing me baby. Well lets work with what we've got . Love always

Pumpkeens

Encouraging the Unknown
At 18 years of age, I may not have many life changing experiences, but I can tell you about an event that shaped who I am today. As the son of an immigrant, I constantly failed my parents’ expectations. After many years of struggling in school I sort of gave up and lost all interest. I was more worried about having fun and getting laid. To my parents I became an embarrassment and a lost hope. With one last struggle, I sacrificed my soul for my parents’ religious needs, Sunday school. After 2 years, the only graduation requirement left was a weekend at camp. I had to miss my friends party that weekend, I felt awful. Unrealized at the moment, going to camp had paid off. I had found a special someone. This person would flip my life around, and help me throughout my toughest times. I cannot imagine my life without her. Her name is Ana. I would only be lying to myself if I do not admit she is the most important thing to happen to me in life thus far.
Education was never an important part in my life. Although everyone around me tried to drown me in it, I did not see a reason. My sixteenth summer was spent outside. I rode my bicycle endlessly and had many days to think about my future. My life consisted of common things that 16 year olds have in their minds. A 16 year old trying to get what he wants. What struck me more than getting D’s and F’s was how easily I shrugged them off. I simply did not care for school. I saw it as unnecessary, evil, and boring. I met Ana at camp, in an ice breaking activity. I told her my name, she told me her’s and we shared each other’s hobbies. I noticed her a few times that weekend and she annoyed me during church. We talked for a couple of weeks and started going out on Fourth of July. I had never been in a relationship like this. It was a real human being who I felt strong feelings for. I did not know how to treat her. I did not know what to say. I did not know what I could do or not do. My life had hit a new chapter where my whole brain would get a reboot. In my culture, the man and the woman are not seen as equal. Machismo forces males to show masculinity no matter what. I entered the relationship with an open mind which helped me soak in the experience. We were equal. Our votes were equal and we had equal power. She was respectful and so was I. I came into a realization, that truly each person is created equal. I realized I was equal to everybody out there. I was not more or less than anybody. She made me realize how real reality is and that we do not need a degree in philosophy to see the things that are socially wrong in our world. She did not criticize my ideas or the ways I expressed myself. She influenced me, not in the way of hammering ideologies, but in the way that she experienced life with me. It was a time in my life where I can say my outlooks on life changed. I approached everything with a more open mind and worried less about what other would think. I could distinguish productivity from distractions. As a teenager, when you have the opposite sex out of your mind, you can really get some stuff done. Most of all it changed my priorities. It showed fast in my grades my life had been changed. In my first two years of high school I was getting kicked out of sports and activities for having a GPA lower than 2.0. Around the same time, I had moved schools multiplying the effect and giving me a chance to test drive a new me. For my junior year I earned a 3.5 GPA. I knew it was working, but I could push myself just a little bit more. That summer was the first summer I did not have to go to summer school. I made a promise to myself that I would treat my last year of high school like college. For the first time I considered school important and actually made it my priority. I maintained a 4.0 my whole senior year. Before my senior year I never thought about going to college, but I am here now. I am glad I chose to keep going because I know ti have it in me, and the support from everyone around me really helps.
Sometimes when my mind really wants to wander, it walks into a spinoff episode of what my life would be like if I was never enlightened. It is a dangerous thought to think about but it happens. It still scares me how close I was to swerving off the road. If I would have continued my life of carelessness I could have ended up in a couple of different situations, none of them good. I can see myself in a direct example of some of my friends. Not going to school and constantly complaining about a job they hate. They develop bad social habits that could potentially hurt them. In the neighborhood I grew up in, it wouldn’t be a shock if I was in a gang, in jail, or in a coffin.
I am so thankful to my girlfriend for taking me on this journey that has helped me better understand life and figure out what I want to do with myself. I could not have gone through this change without her. She is wonderful person with a great soul. I learned that having a crappy life comes mostly in part by your own decisions. Those decisions you make could have minimal or drastic change in your life. What worked for me was an open mind to help in any situation. Don’t discourage the unknown, look for it and learn about it. My priorities have matured, but I am sure when I say that they will one day change again. Maybe by a lot or by a pinch I am sure of it. I very much value my family with what they have supported me with. It was an event where I cannot simply narrow down to a specific time when I changed my ways, but an experience that was worth it.

Swap meet by alex

Went to the swap meet. Hot day. U got some shoes. Had mex food. Napped. Lazy ass fukng day

Summer 2011 by Ana the cool one

Okay, I cant wait for your dusty ass to write in the blog. You take to long. :] Summer is almost over. We have like 6 more days left but I'm going back to school with the biggest smile ever because though other people might say it I HAD THE GREAT SUMMER EVER! Of course its not as great as our first summer together but its up there. Better then the last one. As i write this i think about the struggle we had going in to this summer. Lots of fighting and even almost braking up. It was hard and in the mist of it all we had to stay together because we both we're graduating and my family was here to visit but our fake smiles turned real and we had an amazing summer. We didn't get to hit the beach as much as I liked but we made our own beach in your bed ;] We got a lot done. College class, permit, and other things that we need to do.I lost all that weight. And you've never looked better. If i could say when I had the most fun, the first thing that comes to mind is the baseball game day. Hang out then waited forever for that bus and talking to that nice but so wrong black lady. Forget the camera and laughing about it you saying "well it would've been died and that would've sucks more" I've never heard you talk so optimistic. :D I think your learning for me. They lost but it still was a great time. And we got to ride the trolley at night. What a great time :D Well I'm going to go and jump in bed with you because i miss you holding me. I love you and thanks for another great summer! :X

By Ana the cool one

Man I haven’t wrote on the blog in the longest. We have been throw some ups and down since the last time I wrote in the blog. I wasn’t trying to test you but I have learned now that you care for my deeply and you can’t live without me. This whole time I say you as Mr. Strong Mr. independent but without trying I broke down that wall. I’m not going to lie; as much as I hated hearing you cry it was nice to know that you love me and that you do need me in your life. I’m sorry for hurting you and making you think that you did need me but hey we got something out of it :} I can see that your love for me is stronger than your own strength. Well just to let you know I love you too. You mean everything to me. I know that me and you are going to be great together. We are so lucky to have each other. I know we can make it but there are still a lot of mountains we have to climb. I want to run up with them and you want to walk. I have to learn to walk up the mountains because the climb is the best the part of our relationship. I love you baby and I know you love me more for now :} can’t wait for forever.

Happy Valentine's Day 2011 by Alex

Rubber Band

It's been like 3 months since the last writing. Senior year is catching up to us and finals are this week. We went to the swap meet this weekend and it went great. Long car ride, sleeping, kisses, video games, gas masks, and some soccer in the alley. In the last three months I've felt like we've had a rubber band effect? We bickered a couple of times, but every time we made up, it brought us back closer than before. Senior year is happening way too fast, sooner than we would want it, our plate is going to be fuller than Fat Bastard at Home Town Buffet... Hella late, but here's a pic from Halloween

Flyer

i can see this being a job.

Monday by Lex

and now I know the only compass that I need is the one that leads me back to you.

Amazing weekend, the week is starting rough :/. Sorry. Tomorrow will be great

Fright night by ana

Okay so I feel like we don’t talk about the great thinks we do anymore on the blog and that means all of our weekends because they’re always great. So yesterday was fight night. At first I was nervous because when I bought the tickets all there were were middle school buying tickets. When Friday came around my baby take the bus to my house so we could get ready together. I went to go pick him up and seeing his face [ because I could because it was out of his face] I got so happy and know it was going to be a great night. The plan was for us to be old people together but just like life we cant plan for anything. We ended up being vampires and might I add we were sexy ones :] when we got to fight night we just walk around and said hi to all my friends. We end are party night watch hocus pocus. Then after 2 hot dogs candy candy apple and popcorn we deseed to walk to jack in the box. I loved walk in our costumes looking like weirdo’s together. When it all ended I felt so good. That was the best night I have had with my baby and a group of people for along time. Oh and I got my face pointed :]

War! What is it good for? by Lex

Yesterday was a mess. You know i love you, and i always will. sometimes my mind gets all fogged up in what "I'm" doing, I kinda zone you out. I'm sorry baby.

Yesterday I kind of told you about that section I read in the book. It explained how if a country is constantly at war, it is the same as if a country is at peace. Until a wave of change to the other state, problems arise. This is also true for a relationship. We have been together because we are always at peace. It is still a bad thing to fight, but a couple who is always fighting will keep fighting and will not break up, because at least in the relationship they have something to do, fight. Being at peace is awesome, I do not like being at war, but that transition or that little bump always gets me, it gets us. It catches us off guard, with unfamiliar feelings. I HATE IT!! Let's stay in peace baby, I love you.

ANA THE COOL ONE

yo yo yo how are you baby. well im just bored here in gov cuz im done with my work.. blah blah blah idk what 2 tlk about.. ummm i miss you alot cant wait 2 see you sunday.. I HOPE YOU HAVING A GREAT DAY no pic but u know im always smiling :] email me when u get home I LOVE YOU :X

School by Lex

Havingfun in schoollove you babe

life as we know it by ana the cool one :]

So in class yesterday my English teacher asked us if we could be reincarnated what or who would it be. As a joke the first think that came to my mind was Opera because she’s black and rich but when I started thing about it more in cerise matter this is what I thought. When me and my baby dead I would love are soles to grow and make a tree that stand together. We can’t talk to each other we can’t fight just standing there strong in love. : } other people who are in love will come and write their name in us and we will feel the love that is going on around. Birds would come and lay their eggs on us because they know there is love there. Our love would be so strong that we would never fall. Man that would be great. That’s how I would love to spend me reincarnated life. But we have lanax so it’s all good :} I love you baby

At school by Lex

Miss my baby...

Tomorrows Friday!
I get to see you and eat some
carne asada fries!!
can't wait...

Summer(y) by Lex

...I didn't even have to use my AK, today was a good day.

First day of Senior year. Went well. I like my teachers so far. I know now that I am totally ready for this. I could feel it today. I felt a little far away from my baby, but because I was in a sea of faces without her's.
Summer. It's over. The last summer we will have as kids. With the chance to go where we wanted, and get picked up. The last summer being underage. When your a kid, you can't wait for your summer.But that was our last summer! What do i look forward to now? Life. I cant "feel" my mind changing. I'm constantly cleaning. I'm trying to keep things neat and in order. I feel like video games are now a waste of time. I feel like doing work. Like I'm really interested in working and doing good in my school work. I am more than sure that these changes come from the great experiences I had this summer. In an easy intro; Hang with my babe, think about the future, think, think, think.
This summer was amazing. Unlike any summer I have ever had or hoped for. This summer we both went in thinking of what we wanted. We wanted to change. To lose weight or get fit. To get a job. To get a drivers license. We didn't really do any of that... Haha, now that just goes to show you can't plan it. Besides that summer proved to bring something to us, as long as we give it something. We gave it thanks, and appreciated days off to hang out. We hung out A LOT this summer. This was my favorite part of summer of course. I learned new things about you, and I'm sure you learned about me too. Now when we hung out it was different than other times we've hung out. We hanged out last summer, but it was different. I think it was this feeling, not just in the heart but in the head. The feeling of not worrying. Not worrying about impressing anybody. Not worrying about tests or essays. Not worrying about spending hardcore money. Just throwing on some threads catching a bus and heading somewhere relaxed. If it wasn't one of our houses it was in the grass. It was chill chill, almost as in lazy but I didn't feel like I wasted time. I feel like we got closer. As close as I can describe it; we were to solid people, who melted in the sun, and become just one big blob. Haha. I really liked it. I don't think there was a better time to do it either. I think we needed that. To calm down our minds and our hearts. Of course We will always be together, but we have to come home from the Honey Moon. Also how we are about to go into this senior year with goals. We know what we want, and we really want it. After that awesome break, I really think we can do it. Our minds have rested, they are stimulated and ready. Just a little part. I will write more soon(our fourteenth month). :]

Summer is soon over by Lex

Things we need to get tomorrow; pencils, glue, (new?)purse, cool folder, spiral notebook, pens.

I like this picture. I know it means something, I'm just too tired to figure it out...

Haven't wrote on here in so long. Summer is pretty much over. I really want to write out a memoir of our summer, but after tomorrow, which is our last summer day. I really don't know what the point of me writing this is, but I just felt like I had to write this. After this we will graduate high school and hit the real world. Fuuuuuuck....

"A life without love is like a year without summer."