Long skate ride

I really don't know where to start. I'm mind blown right now. I don't know if you'll get to read this, or when you'll get to read this, but I don't know. I guess it depends on your decision on Wednesday. I don't know when it started. I don't exactly know how either. And it's a different thing, from when you started feeling it, to when you actually expressed it. Is it still the same right now, as when you first started feeling it? you said you felt it when we first started going out. as if it's been behind your head this whole time, but have you thought about it this whole time? or has it just now been brought into the light? It scares me babe. I've never cried how I've cried with those texts.I'll start by saying sorry, but i don't really know if I am. you said to not make about me, because I'm selfish. With some of the things you sent me, you have some balls to say i'm being selfish.You said you don't know anymore. you don't know about US anymore. you said you don't know if I'm the one. you said you might want to move one and explore. I don't understand. What motivations, or goals, or reasons do you have to think some of those things? I really don't know. Is it something I did? I've never done anything to hurt you like you just hurt me. Selfish is a ballsy word to call someone, when you want to leave them because you don't want to hurt them. What the Fuck.That's going to solve the problem? moving on? or is it just part of the deal of finding yourself. If this is a you thing, do I have to be removed from us? The us the we built, together. 3 years of nothing less that heaven. a few bumpy roads, but we've never had to buckle our seat-belts. I don't know what or why your doing this.You said how can I possibly love someone that hurts me? but it feels like your the only one saying that. I accept the hurt, because its not a deep cut. You'd rather leave what we have built, to work on yourself. All of the sudden. all of the sudden now you want to work on yourself. I dont know what to say. I want you to stay. I don't see why you have to leave to find yourself. I thought you loved me. I really did think you loved me. I really can't believe you when you say you dont know. When you say you have to think of a decision, because your mind is a mess. 3 years. 3 YEARS. 3 years of evidence to support one decision. to support us. What do you have to show for what YOU want. I've never thought of it like that. What a level of selfishness. Really. I thought it was us in this world. I thought it was Lexana. I thought it was going to be Max and Amy. I thought it was going to be LANAX. Because you know why? because we believed. because we love each other no matter what. because we have faith. you know I only have faith in z number of things. I have faith in us. I liked you. I trusted you. I want to be with you. I love you. I don't know what you want, but I hope it's us.

Thursday

My ass hurts from sitting and doing homework.  I'm studying my ass off and still procrastinating.  Your keeping up with school and busy with work. Every night i go to sleep almost hating myself. I feel like i don't do enough homework to stay ahead. I feel like I don't exercise or eat right enough to feel healthy. I feel like I don't have enough motivation to hassle someone for a job. I feel like I don't appreciate our time together enough. A slow start to adulthood is really bumming me. I need to prove somehow i deserve the beautiful girl you are. What a joke my 18th year of life is. I feel as if i am drowned and am too deep to try? Is it too late? I'm virtually the first in the fam attempting the american way right?  Almost no guidance.  What gives?  Is this normal? Is it part of the process? It rained today. I've realized it's been raining for a year and i juay haven't noticed. Life must be beautiful after a period of struggling invert.

A lonely summer

WoW!!!! It has be forever since I wrote on this blog. Well a lot has happened since Halloween haha. We're still looking good still in shape but I wish I could look better. We are at peace in our love life right now. I have never been so happy with you then I am right now but i mean its not like your flying to the moon and back for me. so why do i feel this way? Its crazy how you can do the simplest things and make me feel like a princess. Your the greatest person I have ever mate. :D I could go on and on about how much I love you but I'm going to stop there. Summer has STARTED. Though I am not as excited as I should be. Mostly because we're both going to be busy in our own worlds. Man I cant wait for the day when we make our own family and spend the summer with you me and the kids. I miss you already baby and I havent even left to Texas yet :( your killing me baby. Well lets work with what we've got . Love always

Pumpkeens

Encouraging the Unknown
At 18 years of age, I may not have many life changing experiences, but I can tell you about an event that shaped who I am today. As the son of an immigrant, I constantly failed my parents’ expectations. After many years of struggling in school I sort of gave up and lost all interest. I was more worried about having fun and getting laid. To my parents I became an embarrassment and a lost hope. With one last struggle, I sacrificed my soul for my parents’ religious needs, Sunday school. After 2 years, the only graduation requirement left was a weekend at camp. I had to miss my friends party that weekend, I felt awful. Unrealized at the moment, going to camp had paid off. I had found a special someone. This person would flip my life around, and help me throughout my toughest times. I cannot imagine my life without her. Her name is Ana. I would only be lying to myself if I do not admit she is the most important thing to happen to me in life thus far.
Education was never an important part in my life. Although everyone around me tried to drown me in it, I did not see a reason. My sixteenth summer was spent outside. I rode my bicycle endlessly and had many days to think about my future. My life consisted of common things that 16 year olds have in their minds. A 16 year old trying to get what he wants. What struck me more than getting D’s and F’s was how easily I shrugged them off. I simply did not care for school. I saw it as unnecessary, evil, and boring. I met Ana at camp, in an ice breaking activity. I told her my name, she told me her’s and we shared each other’s hobbies. I noticed her a few times that weekend and she annoyed me during church. We talked for a couple of weeks and started going out on Fourth of July. I had never been in a relationship like this. It was a real human being who I felt strong feelings for. I did not know how to treat her. I did not know what to say. I did not know what I could do or not do. My life had hit a new chapter where my whole brain would get a reboot. In my culture, the man and the woman are not seen as equal. Machismo forces males to show masculinity no matter what. I entered the relationship with an open mind which helped me soak in the experience. We were equal. Our votes were equal and we had equal power. She was respectful and so was I. I came into a realization, that truly each person is created equal. I realized I was equal to everybody out there. I was not more or less than anybody. She made me realize how real reality is and that we do not need a degree in philosophy to see the things that are socially wrong in our world. She did not criticize my ideas or the ways I expressed myself. She influenced me, not in the way of hammering ideologies, but in the way that she experienced life with me. It was a time in my life where I can say my outlooks on life changed. I approached everything with a more open mind and worried less about what other would think. I could distinguish productivity from distractions. As a teenager, when you have the opposite sex out of your mind, you can really get some stuff done. Most of all it changed my priorities. It showed fast in my grades my life had been changed. In my first two years of high school I was getting kicked out of sports and activities for having a GPA lower than 2.0. Around the same time, I had moved schools multiplying the effect and giving me a chance to test drive a new me. For my junior year I earned a 3.5 GPA. I knew it was working, but I could push myself just a little bit more. That summer was the first summer I did not have to go to summer school. I made a promise to myself that I would treat my last year of high school like college. For the first time I considered school important and actually made it my priority. I maintained a 4.0 my whole senior year. Before my senior year I never thought about going to college, but I am here now. I am glad I chose to keep going because I know ti have it in me, and the support from everyone around me really helps.
Sometimes when my mind really wants to wander, it walks into a spinoff episode of what my life would be like if I was never enlightened. It is a dangerous thought to think about but it happens. It still scares me how close I was to swerving off the road. If I would have continued my life of carelessness I could have ended up in a couple of different situations, none of them good. I can see myself in a direct example of some of my friends. Not going to school and constantly complaining about a job they hate. They develop bad social habits that could potentially hurt them. In the neighborhood I grew up in, it wouldn’t be a shock if I was in a gang, in jail, or in a coffin.
I am so thankful to my girlfriend for taking me on this journey that has helped me better understand life and figure out what I want to do with myself. I could not have gone through this change without her. She is wonderful person with a great soul. I learned that having a crappy life comes mostly in part by your own decisions. Those decisions you make could have minimal or drastic change in your life. What worked for me was an open mind to help in any situation. Don’t discourage the unknown, look for it and learn about it. My priorities have matured, but I am sure when I say that they will one day change again. Maybe by a lot or by a pinch I am sure of it. I very much value my family with what they have supported me with. It was an event where I cannot simply narrow down to a specific time when I changed my ways, but an experience that was worth it.