Long skate ride

I really don't know where to start. I'm mind blown right now. I don't know if you'll get to read this, or when you'll get to read this, but I don't know. I guess it depends on your decision on Wednesday. I don't know when it started. I don't exactly know how either. And it's a different thing, from when you started feeling it, to when you actually expressed it. Is it still the same right now, as when you first started feeling it? you said you felt it when we first started going out. as if it's been behind your head this whole time, but have you thought about it this whole time? or has it just now been brought into the light? It scares me babe. I've never cried how I've cried with those texts.I'll start by saying sorry, but i don't really know if I am. you said to not make about me, because I'm selfish. With some of the things you sent me, you have some balls to say i'm being selfish.You said you don't know anymore. you don't know about US anymore. you said you don't know if I'm the one. you said you might want to move one and explore. I don't understand. What motivations, or goals, or reasons do you have to think some of those things? I really don't know. Is it something I did? I've never done anything to hurt you like you just hurt me. Selfish is a ballsy word to call someone, when you want to leave them because you don't want to hurt them. What the Fuck.That's going to solve the problem? moving on? or is it just part of the deal of finding yourself. If this is a you thing, do I have to be removed from us? The us the we built, together. 3 years of nothing less that heaven. a few bumpy roads, but we've never had to buckle our seat-belts. I don't know what or why your doing this.You said how can I possibly love someone that hurts me? but it feels like your the only one saying that. I accept the hurt, because its not a deep cut. You'd rather leave what we have built, to work on yourself. All of the sudden. all of the sudden now you want to work on yourself. I dont know what to say. I want you to stay. I don't see why you have to leave to find yourself. I thought you loved me. I really did think you loved me. I really can't believe you when you say you dont know. When you say you have to think of a decision, because your mind is a mess. 3 years. 3 YEARS. 3 years of evidence to support one decision. to support us. What do you have to show for what YOU want. I've never thought of it like that. What a level of selfishness. Really. I thought it was us in this world. I thought it was Lexana. I thought it was going to be Max and Amy. I thought it was going to be LANAX. Because you know why? because we believed. because we love each other no matter what. because we have faith. you know I only have faith in z number of things. I have faith in us. I liked you. I trusted you. I want to be with you. I love you. I don't know what you want, but I hope it's us.

Thursday

My ass hurts from sitting and doing homework.  I'm studying my ass off and still procrastinating.  Your keeping up with school and busy with work. Every night i go to sleep almost hating myself. I feel like i don't do enough homework to stay ahead. I feel like I don't exercise or eat right enough to feel healthy. I feel like I don't have enough motivation to hassle someone for a job. I feel like I don't appreciate our time together enough. A slow start to adulthood is really bumming me. I need to prove somehow i deserve the beautiful girl you are. What a joke my 18th year of life is. I feel as if i am drowned and am too deep to try? Is it too late? I'm virtually the first in the fam attempting the american way right?  Almost no guidance.  What gives?  Is this normal? Is it part of the process? It rained today. I've realized it's been raining for a year and i juay haven't noticed. Life must be beautiful after a period of struggling invert.